I Give Up

O.K., here's the question of the day (actually of the past month): what's worse, eating too much sugar or not eating sugar but eating everything else in sight and gaining 10 lbs? I've gone four weeks without sugar, and I'm fed up (no pun intended). I can't take it any more. I'd rather eat something sugary everyday than consume a large bag of potato chips, by myself, in the span of two days! Plus other stuff... It's just not worth it!

I hate, hate, hate the self-loathing that I experience about my weight. I want to be thin(ner). I have many reasons, some legitimate, some left-over from my eating disorders days. Right now, the main thing is that I'm going to be running the Twin Cities Marathon in October, and I would like to weigh less this time around in the hope that I can post a faster time than my last marathon. The other looming reason is I have to go to San Antonio in June for my youngest sister's wedding, and I just don't want to be "fat." That is not really a legitimate reason in my book - trying to look good for other people. Why should it matter what other people think of my appearance? Finally, although my blood pressure is looking pretty good these days, I would like to have it consistently low so I can get off the blood pressure meds.... On the other hand, I would like to accept myself the way I am. Why can I not just look at myself and say, "You look fine. And look at all the things your body can do - run a marathon, get your black belt, play 'abs of steel' with your kids." Or even better, "I love myself just the way I am."

So, what's a girl (me) to do? I'm not having luck with the no-sugar thing or with Weight Watchers. I think I have to just concentrate on portion control. Eat what I want, but eat it slower, with more thought and enjoyment, and slower. And practice self-love or affirmations or something.

Requisite crafting content: I ripped out the crocheted cardigan last night after actually measuring the back and finding out I was TWO inches larger than I was supposed to be. I'm almost back at the place I ripped from yesterday. Thank God crochet goes so quickly - and that I am a process person not a product person!